4:04A – Friday started my work week off horribly. To be fair, it was quite stupid of me to try and do shows the same day as Black Friday/the day after a major holiday in America when a lot of the perverts who pay to beat their meat to me are from here. 🙃 I vastly underestimated how many people would still be holed up with their families. I haven’t had that dead of a room since before I started slapping a wig on my head every time before I went live. 😫

While the retail workers of my country were being tortured to a higher degree than normal because no company actually gives any deals worth a shit anymore and people anywhere buying things is involved suck, I was sitting bored and panicky wondering for the umpteenth time whether or not I’m too old to be slinging pussy on the internet. I’d say it was a nice break from the constant go-go-go this type of gig can be, especially on my chosen site, but anything that hurts the pretty numbers in my bank account seems to cause me psychic damage. 😖 I went to bed that morning frustrated and stressed.

Saturday I definitely saw an uptick in people finding time away from their other obligations and back to the warm glow of digital debauchery. 

Tonight it seems like we’re back to our regularly scheduled programming. Thank fuck. 🙌

The first half of the night happened so rapidly it seems sorta blurry now that I’m sitting here taking a break from proper posture, creating small talk out of thin air for those who need to prove to themselves I have a personality before they can pop a boner & having a helmet of hair strapped to my head. I did take a couple notes though because the idea to even create this site separate from my other creative endeavors came to me at random BECAUSE of one of the shows I did.

But I’ll start off with the first show I did since it too had a small part in wanting to dump some of these experiences out of my brain and into the eyeballs of other people. 😃

I got taken behind the glorious paywall and the show started off pretty normal. But then as it sometimes does took an odd turn. In the middle of sitting, completely clothed albeit still very sluttily dressed, talking a furiously masturbating man to orgasm (no need to play or even get nude apparently, just dirty talk) he flipped the script on me & asked in between gasps and groans if I would say “HIS GIRLFRIEND’S NAME HERE sucks”.  Hey, man. It’s your money, he had picked the correct (see: more costly that offers more options like this type of roleplay) show option and it’s not against site rules so whatever. 🤷‍♀️

To any civilian ladies out there reading: this is (unshockingly to me) common. It’s been dubbed “homewrecking/er fetish” by the perverts who indulge in it and the porn companies who profit from it. I haven’t figured out yet if it’s because the men who partake in it are too scared to cheat, but get off on the idea, if they sincerely hate their spouse and are too comfortable/scared to leave or some odd combination of the two. 🥴️

I’d love to have a chance to pick the brain of one of the men who are into this just so I could understand exactly what is behind this weird urge to degrade an unknowing/unwilling party in the way they do. 

It used to be something I flat out refused to do. I had the luxury at the time of youth and a second income on my side so it was easy to turn them down. It felt gross and honestly, I always felt I should be shit talking the men who ask for this particular fetish, not the women they want to fuck around on so badly. 👀 As someone who got cheated on pretty regularly for years, it’s not my favorite thing, but lucrative fetishes usually aren’t.

I’ve learned over the years that there’s a lot of cognitive dissonance that people participate in when they spend their cash on sex work (on the internet or otherwise). 😶 It’s like a separate self that unlocks only when safe and comfortable to do so, which in my experience either involves a lot of substances, paying a stranger for privilege or both. Clearly, I’ve expanded my own branches of cognitive dissonance (and my ability to survive capitalism a little more comfortably) so it’s not like I can truly judge. 

As usual, I am part of the problem… 🙃

After a few minutes of telling me just how he’d like me to shit talking his girlfriend between gasps and groans, he came to a shaky climax, thanked me and dipped out. He was even kind enough to rate me 5 stars and I have a feeling he also left a nice review to go along with it.

This job is a real mind fucker if you’ve not got your whore legs firmly grown in and strapped on. Hell, even when they are it can eat at your brain a bit like a worm that just jumped ship from RFK Jr. 😀

I’ve evolved to a mindset where money is money so long as I’m not hurting anyone and if they’re hurting themselves, they’re safe and sane about it. The tax man and the bill collector could give a fuck less if I got it trashing some poor, oblivious woman so her pud of a boyfriend could cum to the thought of a woman wanting/needing his cock so much she’d not only disregard any code of ethics she might have against doing so, but insult the other party involved while doing it in some really gnarly ways.

Humans are fucking weird and my time within sex work (and some parts of real life) really makes me wonder if we’re capable of being with just one person for long periods of time. 🤔 Specifically, if men are. Or that under the current way most of the species operates we can’t seem to shake the urge to get as much from as many as possible. Maybe if men were taught to actually love women…hell, even if they were taught just LIKE and respect them stuff would be different. But they aren’t and it’s not. So the shit rolls on. 

The only other show that was really notable was the reason I decided to create this dumping ground for the mental vomit my brain stirs up on the average work night. It’s gotta go somewhere and I may as well dump it out and into the eyes of folks curious enough to read about it, right? 😂

The show itself wasn’t anything noteworthy to be honest. It was average activities, with an average shaped man jerking off over an average, white sink. Except this beautiful bastard had his dick completely decorated in what looked like 1990’s tribal tattoos. 😲 From tip to taint so far as I could see this guy was covered.

In the midst of my performance, my mind took off on a route of it’s own as it’s wont to do on occasion and started brewing up the idea of this site. I realized I wanted… no, needed to write about the silly, insane and funny things that happen in this line of work.

You might be thinking to yourself “That’s kind of a weird thing to have happen when you’re cootercat is munching on a purple dildo while you’re enthusiastically moaning“, but after 17 years of this type of work it’s just a part of how I function. 🤷‍♀️ I’ve never been able to keep my brain on one topic for long anyway and as a cam person, you have to be aware of SO much when you’re doing a show. Checking your camera to make sure everything is showing and showing correctly, checking the chat to make sure there aren’t any new hoops to jump through, checking their camera feed to see if what you’re doing is having the desired effect, etc. Unless you’re given mental space and a proper amount of time to actually try to get off, sure it feels good, but there’s a lot going on inside the old noggin while the customer is pulling the padge. 

He eventually shot out a fat load onto the shiny porcelain of his bathroom’s sink, managed to type out a quick thank you and ended the show. As soon as I I saw the “back to live” timer start ticking & made sure my stream was paused, I opened a new tab, bought this domain and now here we are.

A text-based version of the inside of my silly little brain. 🤪

Thanks tattooed dick guy. I appreciate in inspiration. I doubt this is a worthwhile cause to dedicate my time to, but it makes me feel a bit lighter mentally and maybe people will find it interesting.

If they ever find it. 😆

Hopefully I can learn to take better notes on blurry, fast paced nights like tonight has been. And hopefully when I log back on in a bit, business picks back up because it’d be rad as fuck to make my large goal for the day for the first time all damn week. 🤞

I think most people in entertainment/people heavy career fields that don’t have any sort of real stability in terms of earning can agree with me when I say: fuck the holiday season. 🖕

6:02A – Good goddamn. I promised myself I’d go on and do another shift, but between looking at the updates from fellow cock miners on the cam girl forum I frequent and the Discord channel for the site I work on the outlook is grim. I am still going back on, but definitely at a snails pace. 🐌

It’s not a very social site compared to some of the options out there for cam work. Some sites have super active social components to them where people are more inclined to idle chit-chat. The one I mainly call work is more of a wham-bam-money-please type of gig. Which to be honest, I prefer these days. The energy toll is a lot more extreme (for me) on sites where being interactive 100% of the time is basically a requirement. 😬 I still chat when folks bring up interesting enough topics, my friends & regulars stop by often just to bullshit, but I don’t think I could ever have enough fucks to give to go back to working on the green site or even the orange one (true perverts know exactly WTF I’m talking about). 

The part of my brain that took enjoyment and/or entertainment from that type of work was burnt out by near constant use of it long ago and I’m happy being in my own world until someone pays me to enter theirs. Like a weird, anicent god that only gets summoned for dildo based blow jobs & to tell men when and how to eat their own cum. 😂

Alright, I’ve dicked around enough.

Deep breath. 🥲

Lets slap that wig back on your head and get this shit going again so we can (eventually) get some sleep and do it all again at least for a short time tomorrow (which is technically later today).

8:57A – More homewrecking? Do I pull off the trashy look that well? 🤨

I think the site is having issues. Or I suck at my job. At this point in my day either one is completely possible. People keep dipping unexpectedly and I feel like I’ve been staring into the void for hours at this point between creating this vent chamber AND working at the same time.

First guy when I logged on wanted CEI, JOI, general femdom. It was a struggle just to make my brain spin words into cum and I usually run wild with cum eaters. He had a cute silky panty/lacy skirt combo on though. Finally got him to cum and he lapped it up just as instructed. 😊 I like when they actually follow through with their fetish. I get why for some it’s simply a fantasy. A lot of men, especially American men are insanely insecure with their sexuality whether that’s bisexual or just closeted gay… The ones with follow through are my favorite. I don’t wanna sit here and spin this elaborate verbal jerk session for you just to get stiffed out of the joy of watchin’ you actually do the damn thing!

😆

I can’t tell if that’s cruel or just par for the course. A little of column A, a little of column B I think.

9:24A – Pro-tip.

Don’t hangout with a tip activated vibrator AND a small butt plug with a whimpy base at the same time. I just narrowly avoided an ER visit to retrieve said butt plug. 😦 That’ll teach me to use the smallest plug I own. I just had to pause my stream and pop the little sucker out, pissing off some tippers I’m sure. The base of any anal toy should always be bigger than your butthole can comfortably stretch, especially if other parts of your lower half are being utilized because buttholes SWALLOW stuff sometimes. I refuse to be the reason an ER nurse sighs heavily this morning, damnit. 😤

The idea to charge people to look at my sparkly butt plug because I can’t charge them to stare at my butthole was pretty smart though.

9:44A – Got the perfect show of a cock hungry little slut fucking his ass AND sucking a big, thick dick. 😄

Only for the dog to start bitching and barking about shit I can’t control.

😫

Coolcoolcool.

Gonna try for another 15 minutes or so and then call it a day because the universe seems to want me to anyway.